Has Someone leaked Secret Notes From 7/16/18 Trump-Putin Helsinki Summit/ Satire

Oscar Bolton Green

There’s someone who claims to have some notes pertaining the 7/13/18 Helsinki Trump-Putin summit that he has managed to leak to the press.

On July 21, 2018, Jesse Armstrong, a comedy writer, for The New York Times  penned the following satirical piece which is entirely plausible, “Secret Notes on the Trump-Putin Meeting” (One version of the events, anyway.)

“The meeting with President Trump and Vladimir V. Putin, president of Russia, last Monday was off the record, and both leaders have been reluctant to offer specifics. But here, we present a transcript we obtained of the time they spent together in Helsinki:”

Trump: “Look. There’s something I need to clear up, Mr. Putin. And I didn’t want to embarrass you, so this needed to be behind closed doors. I need to ask a very tough, very direct question.”

Putin: “Very well.”

Trump: “You have to tell me, Mr. Putin … am I a spy?”

Putin: [checks earpiece] Errrr … as in?

Trump: “Am I a spy for you guys? I don’t think I am, but I need to check. James Bond, mind control. There’s a lot of stuff out there. And I need to know. I can’t trust my guys. So, I want you to tell me, man to man, am I working for you?”

Putin: “Um, well …?”

Trump: “I don’t mean the stuff, the tremendous stuff we cooperate on — all the business interests and the money. And the help I was smart enough to publicly ask for in the election. Those were my ideas. But is there something more going on I don’t know about? Like a brain chip? Or a serum? Did I sign something I forgot?”

Putin: “I don’t think” …

Trump: “Because I’m incredibly smart and incredibly busy — but I can’t be expected to remember every single thing that happens in a hotel room. That would be crazy to try to remember. So. Do you have anything like that?”

Putin: “No.”

Trump: “But you’re nodding?”

Putin: “No, I’m not.”

Steve Sack / Minneapolis Star Tribune

Trump: “I think you have something in your eye, but that’s good to know. [Pause] Do you like me? Shall we be friends?”

Putin: “We should get to work.”

Trump: “Exactly! I was thinking that! So I have a list of things I am supposed to gripe about here.”

Putin: “Such as?”

Trump: “Oh, I don’t know, lots of things. It’s embarrassing. I don’t want to say. But listen. I’m a tough negotiator, but if I don’t mention any of these “allegations” at the news conference when we come out” —

Putin: “Uh-huh.”

Image result for cartoons trump russia

Trump: “If I don’t mention any of these complaints, like [reads from notes] dead civilians, dead journalists, stolen parts of countries, trying to kill democracy, etc., etc., what could I get in return?”

Putin: “Well, if you don’t mention them, maybe I could … in return, also not mention them?”

Trump: “Hmm. That sounds like an interesting deal.”

Putin: “I mean, you probably need to mention one of them, no? Or there might be difficult questions. You want to raise Ukraine?”

Image result for cartoons trump russia

Trump: “O.K. But if I forget, will you? It’s more your thing. I might say the wrong word. I wouldn’t, because I’m smart, but I might, because I’m hungry, and when you’re hungry you can go wrong? In your head.”

Putin: “For my part I would like to talk about sanctions and the easing of” —

Trump: “Hey. I’ll tell you what, how easy is it to get a guy with poison if his name is Robert? Is that easier or harder than a man named Dave or something? Harder right? Or am I wrong? I’m sorry, you were talking.”

Putin: “I was asking about sanctions.”

Trump: “Please don’t do sanctions! I know people in my country have been bad, on internet security. Passwords. But if I apologize for the lax security that made it so easy for you guys to do what I publicly asked, could you lay off the sanctions on us?”

Image result for cartoons trump russia

Putin: “We have no sanctions on you.”

Trump: “Boom! Thank you! I trust you.”

Putin: “There is no reason for you to trust me or me to trust you.”

Trump: “Exactly. Would it be cool if you gave us Finland and we gave you Alaska, or is that crazy?”

Putin: “Finland is not part of Russia.”

Trump: “Not yet! Ha ha ha ha ha. I’m kidding. I’m a tough negotiator. I couldn’t give you Alaska anyway … unless? I don’t know. Let me think on it. It sounds — tough. There could be a way. Let me think. Could I maybe build a hotel in space? Guarded by a space force. Would that be allowed, would you let me?”

Image result for cartoons trump russia

Putin: “Er, I think so?”

Trump: “Thank you! Then that’s settled! Hold on. I forget, what was I giving you? Alaska’s going to be hard. Let me think. Leave it with me. I’m smart. I’ll figure it … hold on — [looks at the translators] why are they here? Can they go?”

Putin: “Well, can you speak Russian?”

Trump: I’m very smart. I can’t see any reason I couldn’t.

Putin: “Very well, let us dismiss them.”

[The translators depart. Mr. Putin speaks for a while in Russian.]

Trump: “[stares for some minutes] Interesting ideas. I agree.”

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  1. ‘Twould be funny…. Except that sounds so much like Trump speak…

    I can’t imagine what Americans think of a president who has the communication skills of a five year old. 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Colettebytes,

    We think we have a toddler in the White House who requires babysitting 24/7. He’s like the kid who wants you to admire his artistic skills that he is exhibiting on your brand new wall paper. He is clueless.

    Hugs, Gronda


    • Dear Roger,

      The parody fits right in with the president’s version of reality.

      I am so distressed that I missed welcoming the arrival of President Trump with all the UK protesters.

      I’ve been keeping track of PM May and it looks like she can breathe a sigh of relief as she cleared (probably) her final Brexit battle before your parliament’s summer break.

      Hugs, Gronda

      Liked by 1 person

      • He had the welcome he deserved. We were on holiday at the time, so couldn’t take part, never mind a holiday is far more important than Trump.
        Prime Minster May is a great survivor and carries it off with public dignity. Although far away from my own political beliefs I have something of a grudging respect for her. She is actually ‘The Only Man’ in her cabinet and the Opposition.
        Politically we live in an arid time in the UK, very similar to our fields in this cruel phase of the summer.
        Best wishes

        Liked by 1 person

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